memory.

i remember being loved.
exchanging butterflies in our stomachs
through open lips.
i swallowed his butterflies
and he swallowed mine.
i knew it was love
when with each exchange,
the butterflies doubled in size
until my stomach couldn't hold them
anymore.
i remember being wanted.
his hips never left my hips,
lips never left my lips.
clothes never stayed on
for longer than five minutes.
i knew it was lust
when he could call my name
from a million miles away,
and i'd be there in a
heartbeat.
i remember being broken.
screaming at the moon,
down on my kness.
why did you leave me?
are you ever coming back?
i knew it was over
when she came along
with her needle and thread.
mended the seams of his heart,
the heart i ripped
to shreds.

virtual love.

how can i be falling for someone i've never met? how can i be falling for a face i've never seen, for hands i've never held, for lips i've never kissed, for eyes i've never gazed into to find a soul i've never known? how can i be falling for the silly conversations at 2 a.m. about a treehouse we'll never build, where we'll never live happily ever after away from all the other people in the world that we'll never know and never give ourselves the chance to know, where we'll never speak in languages that nobody else can understand, where we'll never raise little feral children who will never know how to speak proper english, where, even when the only life around us will be trees, we'll never have to be lonely again? how can my heart that i thought would never love again feel so full every time he tells me i'm so pretty and he can't wait to see me again and he jokingly asks me if i will marry him, even though i know that will never happen. it all started with sandwiches, and it was all downhill from there. an hour's drive could make him mine for at least one night, and at most for the rest of my days, but life has gotten in the way each and every night. my empty gas tank could also have something to do with it. patience hasn't been on my side so far, but i just keep waiting, waiting, waiting for sunday. waiting for my life to take some crazy turn. waiting for my heart to explode. waiting to see the face i've only seen in dreams and in 5-year-old pictures. i read poetry to pass the time. i take pictures to pass the time. i pluck my eyebrows, get on my hands and knees and scrub the floors, check my tires. i rearrange my closet so that all my clothes are in a rainbow pattern, except for orange. i hate orange. two days to go...

i love quotes. seriously.

just a little collection of some of my favorite quotes. i'll probably add to it. i mean, not that anybody has ever or will ever read this anyways.

beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a napkin.

i desire the things which will destroy me in the end.
-sylvia plath

in order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different.
-coco chanel

change your thoughts, and you change your world.
-norman vincent peale

just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
-proverb

sleep tight, baby.

sometimes before i go to sleep, i wish i could go back in time for just a few minutes, or even a few seconds. i miss the way we could never sleep facing each other. ass to ass, we would lie with only the sound of the fan and the purring of our cat to put us to sleep. i miss the long, sloppy kisses goodnight and the little sounds he'd make as he drifted through the stages of sleep, which i know about. sometimes if i couldn't sleep, i'd pay attention to his breathing patterns and the way those green eyes would go crazy under his closed lids. sometimes his legs would jump and i knew he was in sleep stage 1. his breaths would get deeper and more drawn out until he finally started snoring. then his eyelids would start fluttering and i knew he was dreaming. was he dreaming about me? sometimes i couldn't wait until morning to hear if i'd been in his subconscious thoughts. sometimes i'd tell my mom what he had dreamed, because she always claimed to be an excellent dream analyst and was usually pretty accurate when it came to my dreams. i miss the way he moved against me when he slept. sometimes he would readjust and slip his arm around my stomach, which always made me feel extremely fat and incredibly uncomfortable. sometimes he would just stick his ass out a little further, just to see if i'd wake up when he nudged me. sometimes we'd wake up lying on our backs, holding hands. i miss the little things. the smell of cigarettes and toothpaste on his breath as he slipped in to bed beside me. the way he'd turn the clock around so the bright red numbers wouldn't be in my eyes. wearing nothing but underwear and his favorite t-shirts to bed. telling his mom i loved her more right after her bath. singing our kitty to sleep. the feeling of closeness without even touching.

little pieces of poetry.

just a few small glimpses into my heart when it was broken by both my family and by michael.

stone cold backs have turned to me.
while i search for someone to turn to.
he left us hanging, didn't he?
but i got lost while you got free
the unknown knows all, doesn't he?
you say he has a plan
i'm still waiting to see.
you follow him, i'll make my own light.
maybe someday you'll see the world through my eyes.
i do n't want to say this, but we both know it's true.
it's been so nice to have known you.
oh, it's been so nice knowing you.
i'll never forget the sky and the same.
the mice and the mud and holding your hand.
the kisses goodnight, i'm wrongs and you're rights
have made it so nice knowing you.
i never meant to say this, but we both know it's true.
it's been so nice to have known you
oh, it's been so nice knowing you.


you say you need a girl with flowers in her hair
her world in swirling colors
sings along with jerry
your new best friend's a gentleman
from way down in kentucky
my new best friend's a lady
turns out she ain't so lucky


i fell. you just got lifted.
so alive. now you've shifted.


i've got a whole heart to give you,
but that was nothin to you.
two hearts fell together and broke apart
from the start, you were trouble.


slow it down, baby, tell me again.
this beginning feels more like an end.
no one ever shook me
now i'm on the ground.
now you're so high and don't feel like comin down
i've always been the wanted, you've always been the crushed.
now we're hanging upside down
and there's nothing left of us.


i can feel it in my fingers.
the ones that fit between yours.
the ones that got tangled in your hair
as you drifted in and out of the stars
i can feel it in my toes
the same toes that tingled when you kissed me.
the toes that walked me through the trees
as you looked for a new planet to swim on.
i can feel it in my knees
the ones that i fell on and begged you, please baby don 't go.
the ones that gave out when you walked into my life
and when you walked back out the door.
i can feel it in my bones
the ones we rubbed together when it got dark
the ones you broke before you left me.
you've gotten to my core.
i can feel it in my heart
the one you stole with no intentions of giving it back.
the one i can't forget i'm living without.
when i lay me down to sleep
i feel it everywhere
the places you have seen
the places you will never see
because you never gave yourself the chance.


30 days of thunder
30 days of good morning
30 days of i won't forget you
30 days of earthquakes
30 days of heartaches
30 days of just go
30 days of please stay
30 days of my way
30 days of the highway
30 days of never again
30 days of one more time
30 days of last tries
30 days of second chances
30 days of i'm sorry baby
30 days of never forgetting
30 days of give
30 days of take
those 30 days of april
are 30 days of regret

living in a world of self hatred.

everyone seems to be obsessed with their faults and flaws. in the spirit of self-celebration, i've decided to compile a small list of a few reasons to love myself, as said by both myself and others.
1. i've had my heart broken, but i haven't let my heart break me.my heart is made half from steel and half from gold. i've been left by the wayside, but i have found the strength within myself and with the help of my few true and sweet friends to pick myself up and continue on. my father left before i had even learned to walk, before i could support myself physically, let alone emotionally. soon afterwards, my mother left because her mind left her. this vicious domino effect has ridden on my back like my shadow for the past twenty years, but i have somehow been brave enough to tackle each day as it is given to me.

2. "you are one of the most precious people i've ever known."
t spoke those words to me one night before we went to sleep. we were both lost in a haze and were barely awake, but as soon as the words escaped his lips, it sent a jolt through my heart. so many men have said so many sweet things to me, but that is one of the only things i've remembered.

3. i'm pretty good in the sack.
or so i've been told. i don't know.

4. i'm a real life betty crocker.and i'm super thoughtful for bringing orange juice as an alternative to milk for my lactose intolerant co-workers.

my dad and i have the same big toes. it's taken me twenty years to notice.

i moved into my apartment on wednesday. i'm almost positive we have ghosts. the doors contantly slam by themselves, and about fifteen minutes ago, my tv turned itself off. the ghost left my xbox on though. good lookin out, casper.

life is so short, and witnessing a close friend's brush with death last night verified that. i've been thinking too much today.

the first came to my apartment for a few hours, after a lot of convincing on my part. faked love for an hour or so. i don't care if it didn't mean anything. he was mine again, even if only for a little while.

the second tried to fill his shoes the very next night. had me tangled in his legs and in his dreads and in his kisses goodnight and in his sleepy sighs and in his arms and in his words, but none of that could have ever compared to the way the first would have had me tangled. i can't forget him.

"love is so short, forgetting is so long."
how very true is that? three years are gone. where did they go? will i ever find them? no, i won't. the searching for the years that have flown by is all a part of the forever-long process of forgetting. the process of learning to live without half of your heart, half of your being. the splitting of us into me and you. the acceptance of the loss of mutual friends. the learning to deal with the aching in your chest every time you smell his cologne or hear his name or see a green jeep riding around town. the disappointment you feel when another touches you and their hands don't feel the same as his did. when someone kisses you and their lips don't feel the same as his did. when someone makes love to you, minus the love, because you know that the only real love you will ever know was his. the going to bed alone. the "goodnight"s and "i love you"s whispered to ears that will never catch the words.

e.e. cummings is a wonderful man, but i need to find me a j.r. cash.