so i found some old writings...

from when i was younger and more in love. i wonder if he remembers all the letters, the songs, the poems i wrote to him. i wonder if he pored over every word and clung to every last punctuation mark trying to take in all the love i had spilled out onto the page. i wonder if he noticed the watermarks on the papers from my love (or heartache, in some cases) spilling out of my eyes. i wonder if he got the same knots in his stomach from reading my love as i did from writing my love. anyways, i came across a poem i had written in a pink leather journal with "love" written across the front. my poem was preceded by lyrics that he probably never would have read anyways (he always skipped over lyrics because they weren't my words) and was followed by a bunch of random magazine clippings that i really can't make sense of anymore. anyways, the poem:

the left eye asks the right eye
"whose tears can fall faster?"
but in the midst of the rush,
i break down like i always do.
my lips whisper, "i miss him,"
but my brain screams,
"YOU CAN'T!"
i've got this devil on my shoulder
she's dressed as an angel,
but i know better.
she keeps pushing.
"loolk ahead, never look back"
and then there's this angel
portrayed as a devil
who i've kept in my heart
somehow he got left behind.
i miss that angel.
his home is still empty.
while the devil in disguise saw horns,
i see a halo.
his light used to fill me.
i am so empty now.
i need that angel...


kind of angsty, yes, but it was written when i was in high school, so cut me a break ;)

anyways, only five more days until i move into my big girl apartment. five days to come up with $350. improbable. i think i'll call my dad.

things i learned today.

1. my htc surround is not waterproof. rest in peace.

2. it is possible to love a person (but not be in love) after a few weeks.

3. naps after 8 p.m. are usually a bad idea.

4. lukewarm water is the worst kind.

5. don't put your feet down when you're floating with the current.

6. wink faces almost always indicate a sexual advance

7. without your pancreas, your poop would be white or grey.

8. water sliders do not bite, nor can they detect motion above or below the water's surface.

9. burnt pizza is better.

10. it is possible to bruise your buttcrack.

i've been wondering all day if anyone will ever look at me the same way he used to look at me. if anyone else will stare at me with wide eyes as i peel off my wet tshirt with my back turned, even if i ask him to look away. if anyone else will do something simply because he knows it will make me happy. if anyone else will hold my hand in case my shoe gets stuck in the mud. if anyone else's hands will feel the same way his felt. if anyone's eyes will be as telling as his were. if i will ever be able to be as raw, vulnerable, and honest with anyone else the way i was with him. if my heart will feel full again.

i know you'll never see this, but i'd do anything to have you. i'd give my hands so i could hold you. i'd give my lips so i could kiss you. i'd give my ears so i could hear you. i'd give everything to be your anything. even if all that was left of my was my heart, it'd still be yours.